the unfathomable journey...

This has been a week or two of ups & downs. So many doors open, others closed. Opportunities offered and then disintegrating, a struggle to get my head above water & see where I am. So much GOOD is around me & yet here I am wrestling with the details, the decisions, the day to day...

I wish I could say that I am a "different" person - because of all of my experiences - because I've been obedient in some ways to God's leading & calling - because I am living a life surrendered to Him. I HAVE changed, but not at all in the ways that I thought I would on this great journey. I FEEL more than I ever did, I SEE more than before, but I also realize how callous and how blind I am STILL. Now I find more in myself to be ashamed of, I grapple with core issues daily, and I feel like I am "less" than I have ever been in my life. I AM so inadequate!!! And yet He asks ME to be here...I have no idea why...He must see something that I don't see. 

from an early morning quiet time today on Examen.me:

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.
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I know that You have suffered far beyond anything that I could ever imagine - for MY sake! Even emotionally - as I do so often. I know that You understand.

You were Alone at that moment...at the End of your own life...THAT has to be the worst way to go, feeling God's presence removed, when that is all that you had ever known. At THAT moment you hung there 100% man, alone - because you LOVED me! Did you know me even then? or was I just part of the mass of "humankind" who you loved and wanted to save for all time?
Even if you didn't know ME personally at that time, you knew my SIN, you felt it, you carried it with you as you hung there. My sin is the reason that Your Father had to withdraw himself from you at the end, as you passed from this world, from your family & friends. You lost EVERYTHING at that moment, because of me.
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When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, “Truly this was the Son of God!” Matthew 27:45-54

I am SO grateful that because of that sacrifice, I don't have to travel this journey on my own...that there is always SOMEONE who understands and walks along side me. No matter how I feel and what the realities of this world are...I am NOT alone! 

I forget that - ALL....THE....TIME!! It seems like it would be so easy to remember, especially since my life, my daily work is all devoted to Him. Then a conflict comes up, the heat becomes unbearable, my physical body wanes, my attitude wavers and I plummet into a pit of my own making. I am SO thankful that He knows where to find me! and He does.....and then we journey ON.

Rebecca

Evening worship

One of our favorite sounds here on the porch in the evenings...our christian neighbors worshipping - a light in the darkness!

60 sec 1.20 from Ted Barlow on Vimeo.

60 seconds 1.12