Journey & Quest collide...

 WARNING: may contain traces of honest raw messy missionary life 

Today I went to church with some very dear, very OLD friends. They were on the mission field in Kyrgyzstan & New Zealand for the better part of the years that we were busy adopting and raising kids here in the states. Now that they are back home living the US domestic life again, WE are the ones overseas. The unfortunate part is that we rather miss them, REALLY love hanging out together & RARELY ever get to!

They are on a personal mission as a family this year. For various excellent reasons they have decided to get to know the christian communities of their hometown better by visiting 50 churches in the greater Sacramento area, over the next year. (http://50churches.tumblr.com/)

I had the privilege of joining them on their QUEST today!

Ironically this week was an African American church in midtown, just a few miles from where Ted & I spent our early married life together. A few years ago, I would have felt awkward as a minority. Today the glowing brown faces & warm smiles came as a welcome sight. I haven't spent much time at all in a predominantly African American setting in the US. I knew that it was different culturally than the Haitian population, so wasn't sure how I would fit in.

Third culture adult quirk started me off feeling like a Haitian...because they are often surprised when a dark skinned visitor doesn't speak Kreyol just like they do. Thankfully my MIND helped me refrain from automatically singing out "bon jour" as that natural greeting arose & carefully placed an appropriate "hello" or "good morning" in it's place. The common characteristics that DID leap out at me were: friendliness, openness and a sense of community that resided there. They put me at ease immediately & let me feel "at home" for a few hours.

What I didn’t expect, was to meet God face to face there today. True, God is always present where believers are gathered, but today He reached out & spoke to me in a new way. It's been a tough couple of weeks understanding God’s plans and His provision and our calling in Haiti, and I have wrestled it out with Him during this down time. In hindsight I'm glad for the time that he forcibly set aside for me to process it all.

What I’ve learned about myself recently:

1) I worry too much about finances...and perceived “stability” or “instability” and despite my best attempts don’t have quite the faith that I thought I had in that area.

2) That despite knowing better, I often try to carry the burden of everything that is broken and everyone that is suffering in Haiti on my own. I say “try” because DUH, it’s not really possible!

3) Preparing to start midwifery school has opened the door to an area of fear and daunting realities that I needed to face and deal with in order to be ready to make the sacrifices required.

4) The idea of working in Haiti for an indefinite time frame now is still a new reality that brings both excitement and concerns.

5) Being on the mission field can feel unfathomably lonely and I don’t even realize it sometimes.

6) It is very challenging to process normal daily emotions & thoughts while living IN Haiti full time.

What God has “brought on” this past week:

- He convicted me on financial worries & asked me to give that up to Him.

- I was moved to tears in church last week as the congregation sang a closing worship song with the words “send me…” and my personal calling was quietly & freshly reaffirmed.

- We were all deeply encouraged as God sent a new ministry partner to us & then blessed her with a raise shortly after her commitment!

- We received a couple of unexpected one time gifts

- After 3 weeks of failed attempts to find a short term contract while I am here, I gave up focusing on that as the only solution.

- Monday I was called about a job that had reopened. It is shorter than the others & four shifts a week, which means I will make enough to cover next year’s rent in less time away.

- I have been blessed beyond words by the love, support & generosity of my family and friends while away from home, dealing with reverse culture shock, and in a funk about “what next?”.

As if that wasn’t enough for one week, I was convicted anew in the service today. Bishop spoke of how Jesus stepped in & took our place…that means in everything. So I needed to step out and release it all to Him. Towards the end of the message we were called to stand if we had something to let go of and I stood...the next thing I know those who stood had to move to the front of the sanctuary. I found myself in the front in a sea of African American brothers and sisters. As the pastor stopped and spoke words over certain individuals, prayed over them and let the Spirit lead, he turned and looked at me. The crowd parted and he took my hand and this is (paraphrased) what he kindly looked me in the eyes and said…

“You are not here by chance today. You are here for a reason. While all this may be very different for you, YOU have been SO amazingly brave and open in letting God lead your heart…to hear what He has for you.”

He smiled & went on.

“You REALLY need to leave it all to God...He is ALL that you need. You can count on Him...He's got your back!"

“Look around you.” At which point I realize that everyone is focused on me and oddly (introvert that I am) I wasn’t nervous or scared. “Everyone here is there for you. You are NOT alone!” and he asked them all to pray over me...for all of God’s strength to be given to me...and he went on to speak words of love and encouragement that were a salve to my soul.

He finished with an exuberant “Boy are you going to sleep good tonight!!!”  (thank heavens...I've been plagued with insomnia this whole past week) 

So...journey & quest collided, for a moment, and that's what came of it.

God spoke.

He hit every area that I had been wrestling with over the course of a week and wrapped it up in love. He left me with with NO doubt, NO worries, NO fear, NO questions. Doesn’t get any clearer than that...It’s settled then and time to move on!

Please keep me in your prayers as I drop into a quick orientation to the hospital unit starting Wednesday and finish my ACLS certification (I am SO not a cardiac nurse!)

have a blessed week,

Rebecca

the unfathomable journey...

This has been a week or two of ups & downs. So many doors open, others closed. Opportunities offered and then disintegrating, a struggle to get my head above water & see where I am. So much GOOD is around me & yet here I am wrestling with the details, the decisions, the day to day...

I wish I could say that I am a "different" person - because of all of my experiences - because I've been obedient in some ways to God's leading & calling - because I am living a life surrendered to Him. I HAVE changed, but not at all in the ways that I thought I would on this great journey. I FEEL more than I ever did, I SEE more than before, but I also realize how callous and how blind I am STILL. Now I find more in myself to be ashamed of, I grapple with core issues daily, and I feel like I am "less" than I have ever been in my life. I AM so inadequate!!! And yet He asks ME to be here...I have no idea why...He must see something that I don't see. 

from an early morning quiet time today on Examen.me:

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”
And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice and yielded up his spirit.
                         ----------          ------------          -----------
I know that You have suffered far beyond anything that I could ever imagine - for MY sake! Even emotionally - as I do so often. I know that You understand.

You were Alone at that moment...at the End of your own life...THAT has to be the worst way to go, feeling God's presence removed, when that is all that you had ever known. At THAT moment you hung there 100% man, alone - because you LOVED me! Did you know me even then? or was I just part of the mass of "humankind" who you loved and wanted to save for all time?
Even if you didn't know ME personally at that time, you knew my SIN, you felt it, you carried it with you as you hung there. My sin is the reason that Your Father had to withdraw himself from you at the end, as you passed from this world, from your family & friends. You lost EVERYTHING at that moment, because of me.
                         ----------          ------------          -----------
When the centurion and those who were with him, keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said, “Truly this was the Son of God!” Matthew 27:45-54

I am SO grateful that because of that sacrifice, I don't have to travel this journey on my own...that there is always SOMEONE who understands and walks along side me. No matter how I feel and what the realities of this world are...I am NOT alone! 

I forget that - ALL....THE....TIME!! It seems like it would be so easy to remember, especially since my life, my daily work is all devoted to Him. Then a conflict comes up, the heat becomes unbearable, my physical body wanes, my attitude wavers and I plummet into a pit of my own making. I am SO thankful that He knows where to find me! and He does.....and then we journey ON.

Rebecca