a weary journey moment.

Now that the holidays are over and our family spread back out across the globe, I find myself having low points here & there. This just happens to be one of them. In trying to remain authentic and transparent about our life, living abroad and all that it entails, I’m writing from this place that I (Rebecca) am in at the moment.  

First of all, God has blessed us greatly! We are looking at 2014 with FULL SUPPORT - praise Him again for doing the miraculous.

And yet I’m somewhat ashamed to say that our ministry efforts are feeling like such a slog…!

Getting into our new house in Haiti has already proven to be a 5-day event for Ted & he doesn’t even have the keys yet or a stitch moved in. The new Haitian-American landlord who we thought would be great to deal with has managed to make our transition quite difficult. In short, our funds come to us from Apparent Project, in country, in Haitian gourdes...that is typically a very helpful thing! Somehow, even though she is IN Haiti at the moment, the landlord is refusing to take Haitian money as pay. She is insisting on American dollars. According to a call from Ted today, it could cost us as much as $400-500 American dollars to convert our cash back to US dollars. We just don’t see how we can “waste” money on that.

I am here in the states still, a couple of weeks from the end of my contract, feeling very conflicted about going back to full-time life in Haiti after nearly 6 months away AND knowing that I will leave my two youngest behind. The weight of figuring out the best plan for them or how to help them figure it out themselves is still heavy on my heart. So, while the above conflict is probably only a minor one, THAT in itself becomes disheartening, especially when taking a painful and hard look at the sacrifices to be made in heading back shortly.

This is the honest reality of ministry. It is BEAUTIFUL and sometimes PAINFUL at the same time. I’m NOT embarrassed to say that I don’t always process it in a cheerful and positive and faith-filled frame of mind. Occasionally I do, but then what is the point, if God’s ultimate plan is the authoring & the perfecting of my faith? I mean it takes harder situations or chronic wearing down to challenge us to better faith, right? It takes moving beyond ourselves and doing what feels impossible or maybe just unpalatable at times. Sometimes the sacrifices seem too great to me, but then so was Christ’s choice to face death for us...wasn’t it? Often that’s the ONLY thing that carries me forward, pushes me beyond what my flesh desires. In these moments I feel more unworthy than ever to be His servant and yet a better recipient of His grace.  

In the end, it’s all about what I choose to focus on:

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. (Hebrews 12:13 nasb)

Just another day as a “child” in my Father's service…seeking a heart like His.